Warning: Usually my posts are pretty upbeat. I like to think I don't usually post downers. But this time I just can't help it. If you checked in with my blog to get a little pick me up during your day then I'm sorry. Usually I can deliver. Not this time.

I'm going to post this in parts. Not because I enjoy leaving people in suspense but because I think if I don't post the part I have written I'll never finish it. Then this post will join others in the "forgotten and never-to-be-posted" blog graveyard. I will finish it. It's hard to write. It makes me sad and embarrassed. I will write and post it in stages.

Mothers out there, ever had that moment when you question your very ability to parent. When you wonder if somehow God made a mistake and you weren't actually meant to be a mother. When you're so mortified with yourself that all you can do is think, "Oh my God how am I going to look anyone in face?", "How am I going to look my kid in the face?", "How am I going to look at myself in the mirror?".

I managed to make it through 8 weeks fighting pre-term labor, almost 3 weeks in the NICU, a month at home with "preemies" who weren't supposed to leave the house because of their "fragile" health, 2 months giving my daughter caffeine medicine so her heart wouldn't forget to beat, and an entire year of caring for TWO infants without having that moment: "Oh my God how am I going to look anyone in the face?".

Wednesday I was holding Lola on my left hip and reached down to pick up Jackson. I have performed this feat, so familiar to twin moms, 20 times a day since the kids were holding up their heads. And so I thought nothing of it. I firmly held my squirming Lola and reached down to get Jackson out of his new Red Flyer wagon. I balanced Lola with my left arm and grabbed Jack under his right shoulder. I've done this a thousand times. And so I did it with confidence. Confidence that disappeared in a puff of anxiety as I heard his right elbow pop.

It was anxiety, not panic, which I felt first. I am experienced with injury. I taught gymnastics for over 6 years. I participated in competitive gymnastics for almost 15 years. I know what to look for when I hear something pop. Is there any immediate swelling? Can the child grab my hand? Is the child voluntarily moving his arm?

I know what to look for when I hear something pop in SOMEONE ELSE'S KID'S ARM. This wasn't someone else's kid. This was my kid. And his arm didn't pop while tumbling or when he fell off the balance beam. His elbow didn't pop when he fell while climbing his changing table or running while carrying a ball. His elbow popped when I picked him up. I did it. I made my kid's elbow pop.

And now he is crying. He's crying and crying and crying. Ok, but I'm used to that. Jackson cries when I say "No, don't take Lola's toy." He cries when he falls, which happens daily. He cries when he doesn't want to take a nap. "So just calmly check it out," I tell myself. "Check out Jackson's elbow and see if there's any swelling, if he will grab my hand, if he is voluntarily moving his arm." But he is crying because of something I did to him. I did this to him. The anxiety increases and panic starts to set in.

"Please don't have to go to the doctor, please don't have to go to the doctor," over and over again I think.

There's no immediate swelling, he is moving his arm but only a little bit. I put him down and offer him my cell phone on is right side. He reaches with his far left arm, not his right. He puts his right hand on the ground to begin crawling and winces. Then cries. Crap, now I have to call the doctor. "How am I ever going to look the doctor in the face again?" I think as I dial the familiar number.

When I explain to the receptionist what happened I don't get a nurse but the doctor on the phone immediately. He explains that it could be "Nursemaids Elbow," a common injury in which the the tendon slips to the wrong side of the bone. Not a really big deal, he tells me, but he needs to be seen. The doc could do it but the office is almost closed and he can't stick around today. So I'm going to need to take him to Children's Hospital. WHAT!?! The hospital. The EMERGENCY ROOM! Oh my god, I've hurt my child and now I have to take him to the emergency room. I felt so incredibly low. This is precisely what I'm supposed to prevent. My heart sunk. I called Aaron and as soon as he answered I burst into hysterical tears.

********* I assure everyone out there in blog-land that Jackson is fine. There is no lasting problem with his arm. I was and continue to be far more scarred by this experience than Jackson. I'm going to stop here and post the rest another day. Hopefully tomorrow. Please pardon the interruption. ***********

Jackson Tormented

I noticed recently that Jackson has developed an affinity for balls. He will play with any shape or size ball, but really the bigger the better. So Monday I was waiting for a perscription in RiteAid and saw one of those tall wire baskets full of rubber balls I remember from when I was kid. I bought 2, convinced Lola would pretty much ignore hers and Jackson would absolutely love his. I was far more right than I wanted to be.

Jackson carried one of those balls around all afternoon. At one point he even tried to carry both of them. The impossibility of the feat frustrated him greatly. If his sister approached him he would run away panicking that he couldn't get away from her fast enough; she might steal his ball. Of course this made for a game and she enjoyed tormenting him throughout the afternoon. In one particularly frightened escape his feet couldn't keep up with his desire to flee and he fell. Rather than drop the ball and catch himself with his hands he fell forward onto the ball and bounced right on to his face. Of course I consoled him as he cried, holding him tight as he held on tightly to his ball. I drew the line at taking the ball into the bathtub. That night, exhausted by my tourmented Jackson, I threw both balls outside of the deck where they remain. When I get the guts to bring them back into play I will have a nice icy cup of gin in my hand.

Birthday Party, 12 Month check up

I know, I know... finally we have a birthday party and 12 month check post! Between weddings and my parents visiting and me feeling pretty lousy with a bad sore throat in the evenings (turns out I have reflux) I have been really late with this one. Oh, and my dog ate my homework, I didn't know about the assignment... After re-reading I didn't mean for that to sound so much like a list of high school excuses, but anyway. Since I am up with my son at 5 am (darn storm!) I figure I will try and finish it.

The first adorable pics are form the kids' actual birthday. It was just the 4 of us and Grammy (Aaron's mom) for cupcakes on March 11 and we all had a great time... the kids eating and the grownups laughing!

Oh wait, now there's Lola crying to get out of her crib. What the heck?!? It's 5:15 am.
I will finish this post today. I will finish this post today. I will finish this post today.
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Fast forward 3 days, that was Friday morning and now it's Sunday and I WILL FINISH THIS POST TODAY! Well, at least I will post whatever is finished at the end of the night.

We just had our 12 month check up and all is well! Lola and Jackson are both growing strong and hitting all their milestones. They are walking, pointing, imitating our actions, eating big kid food, drinking out of cups (except for milk which continues to be a battle), and generally behaving like budding toddlers.

First Jackson's stats:
Weight: 21 lb. 5 oz. (25-50%)
Height: 28 3/4 in. (10-25%)
Head: 18 in. (25-50%)Jackson is a bit stocky as he's a tiny bit short for his weight. Really this isn't of consequence except to explain why he seems so much bigger than Lola (She is tall for her weight). Both the doctor and nurse commented on how strong he is, which made me feel both quite proud and justified for struggling with dressing and diapering him. The nurse and I had quite a time giving him his shots.He has started playing ball which is absolutely awesome and hysterical. He holds the ball up in the air with one hand and tries to throw it (which more resembles dropping it) and sometimes it rolls in my direction. When I get the ball he gets very excited and waves his arms in the air until I roll it back. If I don't roll it back fast enough, which I guess he wants to happen instantly, he stands up and starts walking toward me. This results in him standing directly in front of me and me more handing him the ball than rolling it after only a few turns. It's really great. Any one who can should really come over and play ball!

And Lola:
Weight: 18 lb. 11 oz. (10-25%)
Height: 28 1/2 in. (25-50%)
Head: 17 in. (10-25%)
Her height/weight relationship is the opposite of Jackson's. She is tall for her weight which makes her seem, at least to me, much smaller than her brother. She is only 1/4 in. shorter than he is but 2 1/2 lb lighter.Lola is really starting to develop a sense of humor. She likes to run/crawl away when anyone comes at her with a clean diaper or cloths. She looks back and cackles and then turns to run away. It's a pretty slow chase, but Lola definitely thinks she's making an escape. Sooo funny! She has also started coming up behind me and tapping me then laughing. I turn around and say, "Who's that?... Oh, it's Lola!" and she laughs and laughs. She also pretends to talk on the phone and just today started shaking her head no. The head shaking seems to be starting like waving, not really in response to anything. She just walks around and shakes her head. I guess I feel like doing that some days too :)

Both my kids absolutely refused to have their hearing tested at their appointment. The nurse explained that the test is sometimes difficult to give to 1 year olds (they give it at 1, 2, and 3) because she has to keep this small device in their ear for 30 seconds while the child sits still and quiet. Ha, yeah right I warned her. And sure enough both kids yanked that thing out so fast she had to laugh. The Nurse tried several times with Lola, convinced she might wear her down. No luck. She only tried once with Jackson before we both admitted she might as well be trying to get him to sit still while giving him a full makeover. So I told her I had no reason to question either child's hearing. They respond when spoken to if they are in the mood and if they even a little bit awake will pop their head up and the first sound of their door cracking open. Plus they had their hearing tested in the hospital. So we will try the test again in a year.

We have been doing Gym Rompers class every Tuesday for the past month and the kids LOVE it! There are about 10 kids or so in the class and Lola and Jackson are among the youngest (the class is for 1-2 yr olds). The don't play on the equipment (riding and climbing toys) as much as the older kids but they really enjoy the big space to run and play. Jackson loves carrying around all the balls (some big like kickballs and it looks like he might topple over at any second) and cruising behind the walking toys (lawmower, grocery cart, etc). Lola gets more into the group activities than Jack and really like getting in the middle of the group during circle time. All the kids sit with their mommies in a circle and sing and clap and there's Lola in the middle laughing and waving her arms. So charismatic!
Ok, marathon post over. There are more birthday pics I'll get to soon. We had a small family birthday party last weekend and had a really great time. The kids played outside with some fun outdoor birthday presents and I'll post some pics of that soon. No, I really really will. You'll see. :)

Sweet Parenting Moment

Lola and I were playing on the floor yesterday making funny faces and smiling at each other. After exchanges of laughter, she stopped and just looked at me right in my eyes. She stared at me with this ponderous look on her face and I thought, "Wow, she's looking at me so closely. And not at something funny on my face. She's gazing right into my eyes. What a special moment. I wonder what she's thinking about?" I bet you moms out there can guess what happened next. My wonderfully sweet thought bubble was burst seconds later when I smelled that she had made a freshly dirty diaper! What a special moment we shared!

Happy Birthday!

I know, I'm a day early. Lola and Jackson's birthday is tomorrow. But I wanted to make sure that I had a post up first thing in the morning. And since I can't even manage brushing my teeth first thing most mornings, I figured I should post tonight just in case the morning gets away from me.

I've been trying to write a Happy Birthday post for the kids for a while. Knowing myself as I do, I knew it would be a long process. And so I started early, at least a month ago. There were many many drafts. Some were funny. At least I though they were pretty funny :) Some were sappy. Really really sappy. Several concentrated on the early weeks of Lola and Jackson's life, recalling the difficult time when the kids were in the hospital and the many sleepless nights when they were first home. Others were musings about what their futures would bring. Would Jackson be a rock climber or a high rise construction worker? Would Lola end up getting X-rayed to find out what whether she had swallowed an action figure?

After writing, modifying, and deleting 10 or more Happy Birthday posts, I decided to throw in the towel. Not that I don't reserve the right to post one later. There are still at least one sappy, one funny, and one ponderous draft saved. But for today, I will let the pictures do the talking:

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

If you hear we're in the hospital...

When I saw this I was a little concerned:
Then when I saw this I thought, "Oh No! No No No No!"
And then this:I put the camera down before I got a clear picture with the flash because he started reaching to grab on to Lola's crib, which is about 2 feet to the right out of the frame of the picture.

I might start taking bets on when will be our first trip to the hospital!

Count Lola Belle

We had our first biting incident today. I'm not sure about Lola's motivation but after hearing Jackson screaming I ran over and I pried the kids apart. There they were on Jackson's arm, 2 little teeth marks. This picture was taken 5 hours later and the marks are still there. He didn't stop crying for at least 20 minutes. Then he was pretty tender-hearted for at least another hour. And so it begins...