School

I'm a bit gloomy about the changes that are happening in the Freedman house right now. Aaron and I will be going to the Little School Orientation Meeting Thursday morning and then the kids first day of Nursery School will be next Wednesday. Sure I'm excited that the kids are starting school. I'm happy for lots of reasons, not the least of which is that I think they're really going to enjoy it. But I'm having trouble getting past my own feelings of nervousness and sadness about this next phase of our family life.

I have to admit I like it when people ask what I do and I get to say "I stay at home with my kids."  Well, I might have liked it a little better when I got to say "I stay at home with my babies," but over time I've gotten used to the sound of "my kids." I have enjoyed having the well defined role of "stay at home mom." But lately my answer of "I stay at home with my kids" has been followed by the question, "What are you going to do when they start school?"

What do they mean "What am I going to do?" Cry. Rejoice. Fall into a deep depression. Found a future Fortune 500 company.

"What are you going to do when the kids start school?" The snark in me wants to respond "Go to the grocery store by myself." Or maybe "Have a complete thought for the first time in 2 1/2 years." The defensive part of me wants to say "It's only going to be 9 hours a week, what do you suggest I do with ALL THAT TIME?"

But the the more mature part of me realizes it's a perfectly fair question, and one that occurs naturally to people who aren't stay at home moms, people who are out there "doing something." And when I really think about it that question is in fact NOT a thinly disguised insinuation that what I have been doing the past 2 1/2 years isn't "something." It's an acknowledgment that now I have the opportunity to "do something" else. What else will I chose to do? Who knows.

Right now just thinking about that question makes my chest tighten. I don't want to do anything but be The Mom. How can I think of doing anything else? I don't have time to do anything but take care of by babies! My babies need me!

Obviously thinking about "what I'm going to do" brings out the panic filled and less mature side of me. Thank goodness this school year is only going to provide me with 9 hours of free time. Any more than that and I might actually have to "find something to do."